please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Are these your boobs on my camera?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
