Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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