the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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