Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
