ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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