Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
