She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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