Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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