Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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