Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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