anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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