Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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