He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
