I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Mom said you looked used
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
