How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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