I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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