The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
