Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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