ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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