yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
