drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
