I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
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