Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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