i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
