Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
