i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
