whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
