I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
