found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
