U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
