I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
