On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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