fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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