but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize