I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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