my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
