Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
