I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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