Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
