my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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