and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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