You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
