i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just want nice things and good sex
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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