nut hugger
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
