his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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