she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
