I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
