If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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