I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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