my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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