a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
