I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
