Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
